Way back wen I wuz a kid, there wuz sum consern in the nation that the children were eating way too much sugar. So General Millz came out with a suppozedly healthy brekfast sireal called KABOOM.

It tasted horrible. Like mom had krushed up a vitamin pill and mixed it in with my Lucky Charmz! I woud be suprized if anybody ever bot a 2nd box.

Yet it stayed on the market for decadez! I seem to recall it disappearing from the store shelvez quickly. I saw it breifly in the 90z, but Google sez it had been lurking around till 2010.


We hav this impression the Big Corp execs are coldly calculating emotionless lojikl disijun makerz with no consern for anything but profit. If it duznt sell, dump it & move on.

My theory: 

A really old gi who wuz the well liked CEO uv a hily diversified multinational conglomerate came up with the name KABOOM in the late 1960z. 

He wuz alredy in hiz late 80z and they wanted to get hiz creation on the market befor he kikt the buket, so they made it a sireal. They coud print up a million boxez and run commercialz on saturday morningz in less than a month.

Unfortunately, the old coot desided he shoud hav a hand in creating the actual product. He insisted it shoud be nutritious even tho the company kemists explained wy putting a full pill’z worth uv powdered vitaminz in every bowl woud make it taste terrible, no matter how much sugar and vanilla you loaded in to mask it. 

He lived long enuf to see the commercialz, but died before actually tasting the product. Lucky for him, but persieved az a trajedy by the executivez. 

So to onr the old man, they kept KABOOM cereal on the market for decadez, even tho it wuz alwayz a money loozr. 

Meanwile, they also launched a wide variety uv other products with the same name thru their subsidiaryz and associate companyz. Herez a 1982 commercial for the KABOOM game from Atari.  Sumthingz gotta hit, rite? There iz a line uv cleaning products. Contact lenzez, toilet paper, penz, yogurt, water heaterz,  tractorz, tirez, etc. – no product catagory wuz off limits.

All the products were/are terrible. 

They try, but sumhow there iz alwayz sum tiny detail, unforseen side effect or unfortunate confluens uv sircumstansez beyond their control that ruinz the product, often in sum ironic, comedic or trajik way. Coffinz, for example, that exploded after yirz under ground wen the lining decayed into nitro glicerin, hurling bonez all over the grave yardz.

Yes, The Old Man himself wuz a victim. (they’d acquired the company that made the fabrics involved sum time after hiz burial and renamed that particular shiny silkish britely colored polyolifin/polyester blend style KABOOM)   

The prevailing theory amongst family, frendz and company employeez iz that he must hav assasinated a Pope in a previous life.

(the preseeding story iz a joke based on a hand full uv real life facts. Got a little carried away riting an email and felt it wuz worth a potentially wider audiens)


Wundering about the bad spelling? read the How Stupid Are We? introductory post.